I need to call the daycare and let them know what day Emily will be starting - but I keep putting it off. In my head if I don't call them, I don't ever have to take her. I'm not ready to let her go. I'm not ready to let some stranger spend the day hanging out with my little girl. I'm not ready to be away from her for almost 12 hours each day! I'm not ready to give up the smiles or even the cranky moments. I'm not ready to give someone else the possibility of seeing her sit up for the first time or any other "first." Nope, I'm not ready. And I'm not sure I will get ready in the 6 weeks I have left at home.
Why am I worrying and thinking some much about this now when I have 6 weeks left? Because I like to plan everything out ahead of time (way ahead of time if possibly) and I tend to freak myself out over things that I can't control. I like to think of it as one of my little quarks :)
For some reason a lot of people see me as easy going and pretty laid back. And I am in a lot of situations. But there are so many things that I freak out about on the inside. These usually are things that I have NO control over - I'm terrified everytime I put Emily to bed, I get nervous when Brad isn't home when he normally is, I'm constantly thinking about how to deal with other family issues ....see things that I have NO control over.
I'm ready for it to stop. I'm ready to stop freaking out about things that I can't control. I'm ready to really trust that God has a plan for me and our family, and that His plan really is what's best for us even if I don't like it.
All of this hit me today, driving home and I heard the song, "The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets. It's an awesome song and the words really hit home. Below are the lyrics.
My plan is to move forward each day but enjoy the moment. To trust that God does have His hand on me. To realize I still have 6 weeks left with little Emily and to enjoy each moment. To work on not freaking out about the things that I can't control.
And just because - here's a picture of us :)