Thursday, September 24, 2009

6 weeks left...

For the past year I've been measuring my life in weeks, and I don't see that changing any time soon. Unfortunatley, I'm now counting down the weeks to something I'm not looking forward to - returning to work. Only 6 weeks to go. November 9 sounds so far away - but it's only 6 weeks (insert big sad face).

I need to call the daycare and let them know what day Emily will be starting - but I keep putting it off. In my head if I don't call them, I don't ever have to take her. I'm not ready to let her go. I'm not ready to let some stranger spend the day hanging out with my little girl. I'm not ready to be away from her for almost 12 hours each day! I'm not ready to give up the smiles or even the cranky moments. I'm not ready to give someone else the possibility of seeing her sit up for the first time or any other "first." Nope, I'm not ready. And I'm not sure I will get ready in the 6 weeks I have left at home.

Why am I worrying and thinking some much about this now when I have 6 weeks left? Because I like to plan everything out ahead of time (way ahead of time if possibly) and I tend to freak myself out over things that I can't control. I like to think of it as one of my little quarks :)

For some reason a lot of people see me as easy going and pretty laid back. And I am in a lot of situations. But there are so many things that I freak out about on the inside. These usually are things that I have NO control over - I'm terrified everytime I put Emily to bed, I get nervous when Brad isn't home when he normally is, I'm constantly thinking about how to deal with other family issues ....see things that I have NO control over.

I'm ready for it to stop. I'm ready to stop freaking out about things that I can't control. I'm ready to really trust that God has a plan for me and our family, and that His plan really is what's best for us even if I don't like it.

All of this hit me today, driving home and I heard the song, "The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets. It's an awesome song and the words really hit home. Below are the lyrics.

Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why your here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

Last time we spoke,
You said you were hurting,
And I felt your pain in my heart,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I've already been there,
So please hear these simple truths,

From one simple life to another,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father,

Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why your here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say

My plan is to move forward each day but enjoy the moment. To trust that God does have His hand on me. To realize I still have 6 weeks left with little Emily and to enjoy each moment. To work on not freaking out about the things that I can't control.

And just because - here's a picture of us :)




Sunday, September 13, 2009

1Month!

It's Emily's 1 Month Birthday!
(her shirt says so)

Emily has her 1 month check-up on Tuesday. I'm really interested to see how much she's grown. I'm also looking forward to the appointment because I'll get to meet Emily's new doctor. After Emily's 2 week appointment I decided he wasn't the right fit for us and his office was a little out of the way. I'm not excited about the appointment because Emily has to get a shot. I do have several questions for the doctor because it looks like Emily is dealing with colic or some acid reflux. Poor little girl just cries and cries. You can tell she hurts and we don't know how to make it better. It's so hard to watch her cry and cry and cry. Hopefully the doctor will have some advice for us.

It's so hard for me to watch her scream and not be able to help. By the end of the day I'm so frusted, not with her, but my inability to help her. Then I start crying and that makes Brad crazy. Sounds like fun, huh?

Other than colic/reflux Emily has been wonderful! When she's not crying she's so sweet and just looks around with her big blue eyes. Nights are still going pretty well - she's sleeping anywhere from 3-5 hours between feedings and usually goes right back to sleep after she eats. There have been many nights that I've fallen asleep with her on my chest. I love it! She is picking her head up more and more, and she can move it from side to side. She loves to play on the floor and kick her toys. She like hanging out in the sling. Somedays she likes riding in the car. Other days the car is the worst thing in the world. She likes to be swaddled at night and her Sleeping Sheep (plays soothing sounds) helps her go back to sleep when she starts to get fussy.

Last night Brad and I went out to dinner to celebrate Brad's birthday. We left Emily with Brad's parents for a couple hours. It was a nice break, but strange. We didn't have to time our outting with her sleeping/eating schedule or worry about her screaming in the middle of dinner. But we also missed her. She was screaming when we got home (of course). Emily did wear a special onesie yesterday, just for her Daddy. I think it was really sweet of her. Emily is very much Daddy's Little Girl - it's so sweet to watch them together.



Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Life at Home

Our little girl is 3.5 weeks old. There are some moments that I feel like this time has just flown by and others that I'm just watching the seconds tick by (I think that's at 3am when she's having a fit). I do realize that in no time my 12 weeks at home will be up, I'll be back at work (something I'm NOT looking forward to) and the time I spend with Emily will be very limited!

Just an FYI before you continue - This post is not me complaining about motherhood or Emily. It's about me adjusting to life at home. It's about me adjusting to life without 10+ people around 10 hours of the day to talk to. It's about me learning how to care for a 3 week old, myself and our family in a new way. And as hard as it has been to adjust - I wouldn't trade any of it!

So what has it been like at home with our little one? Honestly, it's been wonderful but a hard adjustment. Last week was my first full week at home alone with Emily. And as much as I loved spending so much time with her - it was a long week. Don't get me wrong Emily isn't the reason the week was long, it was me. It was me adjusting to life at home, alone with a 3 week old. It was me realizing how easy I had it before she was around.

I suddenly appreciate a long shower, being able to get ready at a leisurely pace, being able to leave the house without worrying about a crying baby and the ability to wear what ever I want without thinking, "how easy will it be to feed Emily if I wear that?" And even though it took some adjusting I did take a shower, get ready and get out of the house everyday last week (aren't you proud of me?).

Besides figuring out a routine for Emily and me - the most difficult thing was being alone all day. Emily, Banjo, chores, DVR'd TV shows and running errands can only keep me entertained for so long. I'm still working on figuring out a good balance between staying busy but getting rest. Between getting Emily on a routine but not letting her routine take over our life. Between spending time with Brad, with Emily and still giving myself a few moments away from it all. I'm still working on figuring out a balance for a lot of things. And yes, I understand that finding this balance will always be the challenge.

And seriously, when this little girl gets in one of her crying fits - it breaks my heart! Last night she screamed for 2.5 hours. Why? I have no idea. I tried to calm her down without waking Brad up but she was screaming so loud that wasn't possible. Then Brad tried to calm her down and she wanted no part in that either. It's really hard to stay calm and patient at 3am. Finally, we changed her diaper (just to change it) and she stopped crying.I'm not sure why that worked - but I didn't really care at 4am.

The thing I struggle with during these crying fits in the middle of the night (besides calming her down) is trying to let Brad sleep. As much as I love the help in the middle of the night, I feel bad that he's not asleep. He still has to get up and go to work in the morning and I can (usually) take a nap if I want to. I know that he doesn't mind (most of the time) but I still feel bad.But I also appreciate the help and I know he likes helping.

I do know that this is just a passing phase and the adjusting will happen to our new life will happen. I also know that once we adjust to this phase it will be time to figure out a new one. I know that time is going to fly by and before we know it we'll be planning Emily's 1st birthday party.

And just because...here's a picture of Banjo giving Emily a kiss after her bath.


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